What would my life look and feel like if I allowed myself to be more vulnerable, both privately and publicly?
In private, I am very vulnerable with myself. It comes out the most when I write. I am very honest with myself about what I'm feeling and if I don't understand it I search for answers. Alone, I cry a lot and when I feel pain I move towards it. I track my cycle so I understand when it's hormonal and I let myself rest until it passes. I've learnt that rolling up into a ball and staying frightened is paralysing and depressive. I spent months drinking too much and not taking care of myself and it Did. Not. Help. Now I look for ways to release trapped emotions from my body through breathing exercises, practising yoga, going outside, speaking to someone I love, listening to music that uplifts me, reading about something that's captured my interest obsessively - or if all else falls sleeping until consciousness is more appealing again. I reach out to people and ask - and pay - for help. I can share my vulnerability with a few close friends and family. I speak more and more openly about my interests and beliefs and no longer fear them thinking I'm silly. I find people look at me with a confused expression at first, and then they often share something private themselves or ask questions. Some friends call me names when I do this though, and it does hurt. But these people also love me and are hiding from their own stuff, so really they are telling me that my vulnerability is making them uncomfortable - not that they don't love me. I am surrounded by people growing spiritually whether they realise it or not. I see it everywhere. To be myself fully online is the scariest. I want to write about yoga and how it applies to life and relationships, yet I've only been practising for a year and I'm friends with teachers that have been doing it for more than a decade. I want to write about training, and even though I have had amazing coaches and know a lot, I have no formal education in this. I want to write about how important it is to know and understand and honour your menstrual cycle, which means talking about periods, blood and other things that can make people squeamish. I am joining a moon lodge where people put their blood on their foreheads at meetings… I am not there yet! I want to write about relationships, yet to a lot of people I know, my relationship failed and I have made unwise decisions. I feel differently now, but I fear their judgment and people reading intimate details about my life and making assumptions about me. I fear causing any more hurt. I still am letting go of a lot of grief and trauma, and at times it's still very raw. I'm a work in progress and don't want to give the impression I know it all or get things right all the time. I struggle daily. I want to write about spiritual stuff, yet most people I know would be flabbergasted by the way my imagination functions. I want to share creative writing and poetry - that is completely raw and intimate. If I do this though, I will feel like I am being true to myself, not hiding, and that would feel amazing. At the moment I feel quite trapped. When I was in a beautifully loving, monogamous relationship I felt like something was wrong with me for not being happy. I know that sharing all this is part of my healing process and a way believe in my power/create. It would take me closer and closer to who I am, who I want to be and the life I dream of, because I DO believe we build our own lives. I get a lot of pleasure writing and being creative fulfils me and is very pleasurable to me. My background in publishing, design and editorial writing would help me enormously. Being vulnerable publicly would be a way for me to serve others and let love flow.
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